sadness

i've been putting off writing this post and having to go "back there" to the deep sadness we experienced last week. this grief is new to me. new to me as an individual but as a mother and wife too. losing someone close to you changes everything. loosing my father-in-law, unexpectedly, that dreadful Friday night, will forever be etched in my memory.  i won't ever forget the late night calls from the hospital those weeks, the look on tyler's face when he came around the corner of the bathroom that Thursday morning, the worry and then the harsh realization of what really was happening. i'll always remember how hard we worked on updating the hundreds of friends and family members through the Checking in on Tom website. the comments and phone calls and messages that would pour in after each update. unfortunately the memory of where we were sitting and how everyone looked at the exact moment tyler and i told our innocent Samantha....that will be one of the hardest moments we've been through as parents. that whole next week....how we supported each other with family meals and decision making and working as a team with tyler's brothers and family. everyone had their lists of things to do and decisions to make and we were a force. tyler and his brothers were so focused and so respectful. we were so thankful for all of the meals people brought us and the flowers and beautiful cards. i cried most nights....and choked back tears each day answering all of samantha's endless questions about what happened to her beloved Grandpa Tom. holding her in bed those nights that she just couldn't shake off her own four-year-old sadness.
but we made it to the memorial service. that Saturday the church was full of over 300 people who came to say goodbye to their friend. it was the most beautiful tribute. and i have never been more moved and more proud of my husband and my two brother-in-laws. the way tyler spoke giving his eulogy brought everyone to tears. Tom's two close friends, Don and Phil, Josh's poem, Eric's memorial fund explanation and Pastor Ted all made the service complete. and afterwards we joined nearby and filled an entire restaurant with all of Tom's friends and family...enjoying lunch and telling stories and catching up. it was a bittersweet celebration full of love.

so now as the days pass by and we get busy with all of the little things....we are left trying to find a new normal, a way to move on but not really wanting to. still a little in disbelief that he won't be knocking on our door each late afternoon for playtime with the girls or calling to come swim at his pool. realization that we won't be picking up the phone to call to check on him throughout the day or make plans for our next family gathering.
i will always remember the last time i kissed and hugged him before his surgery...the last time he came over to play with the girls and how i was stuck all the way upstairs in the middle of their bath so he came up and sat with us in the bathroom and read stories before bed. i'll never forget his kiss on my cheek and his gentle reassurance that i was doing a good job as a mommy one night, just a few weeks ago in my kitchen......each sunday morning when tyler plays tennis... he won't be there, every time i drink a ginerale or pink lemonade from a can, the memories of playing in the driveway with him and the girls or all the nights i'd make him stay to eat with us and he'd tell the girls "down the hatch" as they finished their last few bites. kinsley almost every day says "cook cook (for cookie) grandpa tom" because he always took a cookie before he left our house. i remember being so mad because i hadn't told anyone yet, when he somehow was one of the first people to realize i was pregnant this last time. silly. or how nervous i got when he showed up at some of my tennis matches last season to cheer me on or how supportive he always was of the girls at their swim lessons and asking about school. i will always think of him everytime we read the bear books that he picked out for samantha or when she wears her birthday shirt( i always smiled when i pictured him in Gymboree picking it out all by himself)....all of the big and little memories i have i will cherish forever.
i miss you tom. i am so so sorry.

one of the sympathy cards that stuck with me and i keep rereading....

we all need time to grieve- quiet time for reflection to sift through memories and come to grips with what has happened. 
we all need time for tears - not for the one who is now at peace in heaven, but for ourselves as we realize that things will never be the same.
we all need time to just "be" - when we can open ourselves to God and let the reassurance of his everlasting love start to heal our broken hearts. 


a few of my favorite pictures.....
samantha made this for him this past Grandparent's Day which happened to be when he was in the hospital. i wish he had seen it. 


one of the best memories...one thanksgiving day watching the dads and boys play tennis




he was always listening and talking and teasing his favorite Sammy Mac






another thanksgiving day playing at Eric's backyard


father's day celebration at his house...ty made that trophy to say #1 dad..i love this picture


and with tears in his eyes....here is the moment he became a Grandfather for the very first time


the last time i saw him....cheering him on the night before his surgery, as he and the boys watched tennis and i told stories about what the girls were up to. i baked banana bread, and promised him we wouldn't all eat it and i'd save the rest for him after his surgery. 




Uncle Phil, Aunt Connie, cousin Wendy and Kevin and Tim and good friend Matt...so thankful we could be together and that you could all fly in. we love you.